The Original Burbanked

Movies and the culture that inspires them from a former Hollywood insider.

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Written by burbanked

March 18, 2016 at 2:17 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Did I happen to mention that there’s a new Burbanked site floating around out there?

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ripley burbanked tumblrI invite you to go take a look at the new, stripped-down Burbanked here.

Why so? Quite simply, it’s simpler. It’s a Tumblr site, which means that it’s possible to post pictures, links and videos in a matter of minutes and often seconds. With Tumblr, you follow other like-minded sites and encourage them to follow you; then you see a constantly-updating scroll of their content in your site’s dashboard. You can tag other bloggers’ posts, reply with text or pictures, make recommendations, search directories, all kinds of nifty stuff. In terms of content-creation-to-posting times, it’s a whole lot closer to Twitter than WordPress, but with far more capabilities than Twitter.

Anyway, I’ve been enjoying the ease and speed with which I’ve been able to post new content, and I’ve found quite of bit of excitement in the Tumblr community where humor and art and movies and internet mashups all coexist in a rather dynamic and creative space warp of oddness. I’d highly recommend you check it out if creative internet content is your thing.

The original Burbanked will still sit here for a while, and there will be items that I’ll feel like writing more long-form stuff about, most likely, that would fit better here than on the Tumblr site. We’ll see what the future brings.

Thanks, folks! Hope to see you there!

Written by burbanked

May 4, 2010 at 1:08 pm

12 reasons that I absolutely hated ZOMBIELAND. And now you can, too!

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Zombieland got very strong reviews, both on Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic. What did I miss here? I usually love this kind of stuff, but I found it painful to sit through.

Here’s 12 reasons. Because 11 seemed inadequate.

  1. zombielandIt’s a zombie comedy movie in which there’s not a single innovation brought to zombies. Or comedies. Or movies.
  2. There’s a voiceover that tells us exactly what the narrator is thinking without subtext or humor, and foreshadows with extreme obviousness exactly what’s going to happen throughout the movie.
  3. Substitutes crappy CG blood SFX for practical blood effects that have somehow worked believably and cheaply in movies for a number of decades.
  4. Despite the fact that the entire internal monologue of the main character is based on his self-imposed rules, the plot itself has no rules.
  5. That unintentional irony is the only one found in the entirety of the movie.
  6. Weapons are seen as precious, but are casually discarded and then easily found again; food seems to be scarce, yet the characters loot a grocery store for a Twinkie – which doesn’t exist in a location where by all reasonability it absolutely and certainly would, except it can’t because then the joke would pay off with 2/3 of the movie left to go – and don’t stock up on any other food.
  7. The movie begins in Texas. Columbus is headed to Columbus. He hooks up with Tallahassee. Are they going to Tallahassee? Why would Columbus agree to go to Tallahassee? Then they hook up with Wichita and Little Rock, who are going to California. (side note: why doesn’t Tallahassee name them based on where they’re headed, too? even if they lied to him, they still must have said they were traveling together) If Columbus really wants to go to Columbus, why does he stay with any of them? Why does Tallahassee?
  8. Oh suddenly we’re in Beverly Hills. Never mind.
  9. A character scams another character by betting that zombie killers unknown to her will hesitate while aiming a loaded shotgun at the face of a little girl whom the zombie killers believe to have been infected. This after establishing the movie’s primary rule that you absolutely don’t hesitate to kill a zombie – including little girls – when confronted with that exact situation.
  10. The plot is obviously conceived by someone saying “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if an amusement park was overrun with zombies?” (spoiler: no, it isn’t) followed by “Uh oh what are we going to do to pad out the movie’s first 70 minutes?”
  11. Abigail Breslin, formerly an intriguingly natural performer, gives the absolute worst line reading – “Do you have any regrets?” – in the history of cinema, as a setup to the movie’s most ham-handed, horrendously unfunny joke.
  12. Entering a tiny bathroom where a zombie would be easily detected and dispatched: be cautious, freak out and don’t do it. Entering a sprawling mansion where multiple zombies could be hidden anywhere: yeah go ahead and sit down to watch a movie. Take time to make a bowl of popcorn that exists there for no reason whatsoever.

BONUS reason to hate Zombieland: Sorry, Jesse Eisenberg: it’s not working out. Please stop appearing in movies.

Written by burbanked

April 16, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Posted in Movies, Views and Reviews

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Arbitrary Thursday: this week it's Arnold Schwarzenegger day.

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Nope, no real reason. Just found a pair of Schwarzenegger-related goodies this week and wanted to pass them along. I care about you like that.

First of all, this excellently-edited piece of Schwarzeneggerian one-liners. 10 minutes long without a single wasted second.

(buncha violence, some NSFW language. All totally worth it. via the brilliant minds at Pajiba)

And here’s a terrifically simple photo-comic via a deviant little site called superpoop:

Think fast: what’s the ONE Schwarzenegger movie that you would pop into the player – right this second – and watch?

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April 1, 2010 at 7:40 am

Today is Quentin Tarantino Day. Because I’ve just decided upon it.

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Quentin Tarantino’s birthday is coming up this week – March 27th – so I figured I would get rid of some old links sitting around honor the writer/director with a pair of terrifically clever items I’ve recently come across.

Halfway Cinema is a great site that posts a screengrab of a movie’s exact midpoint. A deceptively simple idea, and you’d be right in guessing that often a movie’s halfway-point isn’t anything remarkable or meaningful from a cinematic storytelling perspective.

Until you see something like this one – obviously from Kill Bill: Vol. 1 – that represents a rather wonderfully significant moment in that movie:
kill bill halfway

I also recently discovered The Oatmeal, a comics-and-quizzes site in which a fantastically demented and talented illustrator/writer creates some of the most hilarious visual concoctions I’ve ever seen. These range from this simple but brilliant Pulp Fiction tribute:
oatmeal marcellus wallace

…to other insane works such as:

And so very much more inspired, grotesque and otherwise life-affirming lunacies. Please go to The Oatmeal and plow your way through all of its content immediately. You’ll be oh so happy you did.

This concludes Quentin Tarantino Day at Burbanked. Kinda ran out of steam there.

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March 25, 2010 at 7:03 am

Mundane Things That Sound Cool When Sean Connery Says Them.

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March 22, 2010 at 5:00 pm

Posted in Celebrities, Movies

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Here is the most handsome nine minutes you're likely to experience today. Or perhaps any day.

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Written by burbanked

March 10, 2010 at 6:37 pm

Posted in Movies, TV

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